I learned from Rocky Horror.

That’s right. Everything anyone needs to know about life can be learned from watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I guess it’s because I find that there are three major life lessons you have to learn as you grow up, and all three are contained within the scenes of this masterpiece of cinematic masturbation.

Lesson 1: Never ever ever approach a dark castle, ignoring a sign, and ask to use the phone.

Too many times in life, we’re faced with the decision to approach what is so obviously a bad situation. But it’s when we feel that whatever the situation happens to be is our ONLY hope, our only chance, our only option, then we get desperate and get stupid–just like Brad and Janet. There were so many more options those two kids could have chosen. But they ignored the audience–and went in. (Don’t go in!) And where did that get them?

Lesson 2: Whenever you are in a house and someone murders a guy in a walkin freezer, don’t eat dinner that night — unless you cooked it.

I mean, what the hell did they think they were eating!? Vinison? I mean, I know Meat Loaf Aday looks like a cow, but I wouldn’t want to *eat* him, now would I? It’s kind of like how we react in the real world, when people we *know* are prone to bad choices offer to invite us along to the party, the game, the movies. I mean, I would think after someone extols the virtues of “Gigli” you wouldn’t decide to let THEM pick the movie? Or would you? That’s what people do all the time…they let people make decisions for them, and usually pick the people who are making *bad* decisions.

Lesson 3: If your girlfriend, a virgin, shows up in your bed, it’s probably best to tell her NO because it probably isn’t YOUR girlfriend.

If she was going to put out, she would have by now. Even if the girlfriend looks like your girlfriend, walks like your girlfriend, and talks like your girlfriend, it doesn’t mean she *is* your girlfriend. Women have so many personalities it could be the ALTEREGO of your girlfriend. Oh sure, she might hate you for a few hours when you turn her down…but think about how much she’ll respect you in the morning.

People don’t always present you with the real them. And getting to the real them is what it should all be about. But be prepared…because some people are very different from you and me. (We call them ‘normal’ for those uninformed.) Normal isn’t a bad thing. It’s just what we *aren’t*. And that’s okay.

I’m sure there are more life lessons that can be learned from Rocky Horror…things like sex and fair play and good communications skills. Even how to dress and how NOT to dress. So there you have it.

Everything I need to know, I learned from watching Rocky Horror.

I’m bowled over every time I get an email offering to increase the size of body parts with a miracle pill. Mind you, I already knew that if I wished to grow breasts I could do so — oddly enough by taking a pill. Unfortunately for the spammers, I know that those are not the pills they are offering. Nor do I desire to grow breasts. And I’m quite comfortable with the other part of my anatomy that the spammers are so interested in growing larger.

I guess that is what makes me different from the vast numbers of men in America today. I really don’t give a shit how big other men are and I’m not intimidated by their boldness. I can fight, I choose not to. I don’t get embarrassed in the locker room, and yes, I sing in the shower after racketball.

Who cares what other people think?

There in is our first lesson. I have free choice, so I choose not to indulge in self-pity. If my abs aren’t defined or my legs less muscular, if my ass flabbier or my penis smaller than the guy with the locker next to mine, I’m no less of a person than he. Appearances are deceiving. Confidence isn’t.

I have free will, too. And there is a subtle difference between choice. I choose to love people, indulge in chocolate. Free Will is different, in that I control my emotions, my desires, my philosophical structures. I am not ruled by anyone nor do I seek to rule others. Force, sometimes necessary, is rarely the answer to any human interaction, especially interpersonal relations. “Meet me in the parking lot and we’ll settle this,” isn’t a mode of problem resolution that I typically employ. But I am a man of action and will work at all times to correct any situation that needs correcting, make improvements that I can make, and clean up messes that I’m empowered to clean.

What does all of this have to do with “En-lar.ge Your P.E.N.I.S.” emails? I choose not to indulge in self-pity just as I choose to be happy with whom I am. It’s not that hard to do, really.

Try it today and see if it doesn’t change your mood. I mean, how can you change the world if you sulk all the time about things you cannot change? And that’s why we’re on this little lump of rock. Make a dent in the universe. Or at least die tryings.