So the world is upset that Justin Bieber was caught smooching in the back of a car. Before we go any further, let’s stop for a second and weigh this. So a famous teenager gets caught making out in a Honda with a girl — and this upsets the teenie boppers everywhere. Had the Bieb been caught making out with Justin Timberlake, then I’d understand why this happened.
Let’s take a minute and appreciate what this video says about American children today. Just on its own merits.
… Done yet? Okay…a few more seconds. (Dee dee da da da dee dee da…) Okay.
Now. Let’s put it into this context: on tonight’s season premier of CSI, Bieb did a turn as a psycho serial killing teenie bopper homeless kid. And it was his kiss — not his acting ability — that got these girls upset.
I don’t want to go off on a rant here, but what on earth are these parents thinking? First of all, their children have developed levels of attachment to a pinup boi so unhealthy that, just a few short years ago, we were making pretty damned scary films about girls with these same sorts of imaginary attachments. And it seems today we’re still making films about them. But now, instead of Oscar-worthy turns by Glenn Close or passing attempts at fear by Bridgett Fonda, we’re left with YouTube darlings.
While in the 1980’s, my childhood, parents would have beaten their children for this kind of stupidity. Today, though, with corporal punishment falling into disfavor at the hands of more innovative theories of child discipline, we’re left with no real way to address this kind of craziness. Or are we?
Thanks to the troop drawdown in Iraq and Afghanistan, we’re faced with a question. What do we do with all those innovative “enhanced interrogation” practices. Let’s turn the US PsyOps on the little crying kids and use our skills to convince them to protest Bieber’s sexual development by refusing to procreate. Such an act would immediately trigger Nietzsche’s übermensch.